How is your relationship going? Excuse my getting curious, it’s just as a life coach I see it every day that the juice of life is in our relationships! Also, as a mom and wife, I know that the quality of my relationship with my husband has such a huge impact in all other areas of my life…Can you relate? I bet you can!
We all want amazing relationships with our spouses or partners or lovers. Only a few of us do. So, what are some of the things that we can do to make sure that passion, joy and love stay alive well beyond the honeymoon months?
What can we do so that we don’t lose who we are, so that we expand our identity and thrive in our relationships? Is it possible? Yes, yes and yes!
I’m on this journey myself and happy to share with you amazing insights from life coach strategist, Erica Nitti Becker!
Erica Becker is the founder of ENB coaching and the co-founder of Real Raw Truths weekly podcast. She is also a Tony Robbins coach. Erica has helped many best selling authors, speakers, Fortune 500 companies & business owners to achieve personal and professional success.
Below is the fully transcribed interview for your convenience:
Anush: Hello and welcome to Your Better Life with Anush TV, the place to be to start creating the kind of life you truly deserve and desire to acquire. Your go-to every week for success, healthy lifestyle and transformation.
Part of my promise to you is to bring to you the greatest people in the personal development industry to help you take your life to the next level, whatever that may be. It may be a better relationship. It may be a better career, more abundance. You have the power within to change anything you want in your life, and I’m just here to share with you the best tools and techniques in the personal development industry to help you go from where you are to where you want to be.
Today’s guest is an amazing person. She’s a powerhouse. She’s an amazing coach. She is the founder of playing full out coaching and consulting. She is a Anthony Robbins coach. She has consulted Fortune 500 companies, business owners, executives to create professional and personal success. She also has this amazing, amazing podcast. She’s a co-founder of the RealRawTruths.com. That’s the podcast name. It’s a weekly podcast, and it’s an amazing podcast. Stay tune to have this very meaningful conversation with Erica Becker.
Speaker 2: This program is brought to you by GAGUA Group International, doing business development, branding and online marketing for your success.
Anush: Erica Becker is my guest and here I am with you, Erica. Hello.
Erica: Hi. Thank you so much for having me.
Anush: Thank you so much for being here. I’m a big fan of your podcast.
Erica: Fantastic. I love meeting fans.
Anush: It’s truth. It’s raw. It’s real. I love when you say where insights are born and boring goes to die and real life solutions to really create the kind of life that you truly want. Pretty much what I do with the people that I coach. I’m so honored to have you here.
Erica: Well, thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I’m so glad that you’re listening in and that you’re finding value in it.
Anush: One of the podcast that was really amazing was the one that totally resonated with me is how do you stay independent yet strong, loving, passionate in your relationship versus being codependent. Could you please share the difference between the two, first of all? What are the benefits of really staying independent in your powerful, loving, strong relationship?
Erica: Yes. That has been a very successful one for many people. We get a lot of requests in the relationship realm. That one actually came from one of our male listeners. He was like, “I’m just starting a relationship. How do I stay true to me and also still have this thriving, amazing relationship that everybody wants?”
I think that there is a fine line. There’s a difference between being independent and over independent of, “No, I don’t need you,” or, “Yes, let’s come together at certain times, and we’re going to have fun, but really I’m just … My career. I have my wants. I have my needs. I’m good.” Then there’s the relationship. I think you can have both. It’s possible to have both. By being independent in a thriving relationship is what everybody is really search for. That’s why we did that podcast. We’ve gotten a lot of great responses from it, so it is possible.
Anush: It is possible, and you are living it in your life,
Anush: … with your relationship with Steve Becker. You have been together for how many years now?
Anush: 15 years, that’s a long time. Every time I see your relationship, it’s so alive. You both are your authentic selves and there’s great, great friendship going on at the same time. How did you manage to keep your relationship with Steve and what were some of the pitfalls?
Erica: We’ve had them. We’re not perfect but that’s also where we are now. One of the things that I think really was great for us is that we actually did a long distance relationship for about a year, not that everybody needs to do that. For us, it worked. What it allowed for us to do was find out who we are as individuals, and then really got to figure out … Before I move from Seattle to San Diego, we found out what our relationship really needed to be. What was my definition, what was his definition and say, “Okay. We’re going to take this leap together based on what our beliefs and our values were.” We knew about each other.
Not knowing it then, that’s really how we tell people or suggest to people to really set up the core foundation. We laid out the core foundation first. Then we took the plunge. You have to have trust. You have to have faith in what you’re doing.
Also, I set up some boundaries. I said, “Yes, I will move to San Diego. This is where I want to go with my career. This is what I do. You have your thing.” Again, we didn’t realize it, but we were doing everything that the podcast we talked about and also that we’re going to talk about today. We really just established everything upfront and now we thrive.
Some of the pitfalls have been there, but that’s where we learn, and that’s where communication comes in. I’m sure we’ll go into more detail in that. Our communication has to stay really strong.
Anush: One of the things that you talked about in this podcast and one of the things of staying independent versus codependent in a relationship is having the time and space for yourself.
Erica: 1,000%, yes.
Anush: Something that happened to me in my personal relationship when I first got married, I was like now we’re doing everything together. When you fall into that, you cannot really do everything together. Especially when two people love each other, they want to share what’s working for them, and they want the other person to do the same.
What are some of the tips and strategies for people to really be in a thriving, loving relationship, yet, to stay in their time, and space, and really stay true to themselves?
Erica: Great question. We jump into relationships sometimes or anytime in a relationship. We want to be together a lot of the time or you have the same interests and passions. Sometimes you just end up doing them all together. Then you can look back maybe and say, “Wait a minute. Where am I?”
Some tips and strategies would be keep your own … If you’re somebody who has a specific workout or you go out with your girl friends, or you go out with your guy friends, keep those things going. They may adjust as far as times and how often, but don’t stop doing them. Keep the lifestyle that you have created either before the relationship or even created during the relationship with outside interests. Keep doing those. If you haven’t, create some. I think it’s really important to be able to bring to the table, to bring a conversation with your spouse or significant other, “Hey, this is what I’m doing. These are some of my interests.” It brings that passion.
One thing that’s really important, a really great tip is to, not just have date night with your significant other, but to create hobbies together because one thing that can happen for independent people is you’re too independent.
Anush: That’s a big one.
Erica: Yeah. For my husband and I, I’m a mountain girl. I like adventure. He’s a surfer guy. He’s always in the water. He does a lot of boy trips. I do a lot of girl trips. If we didn’t have intention and purpose of the relationship, we could just check in. “Hey, how’s your day.” “Hey, it’s good.” “Yeah, I’ll see you next week.” “Hey, yeah. That’s good.”
I think relationships have to be about intention. You have to set that purpose so we’re like, “Hey, what do we love to do together?” We love to travel. We love to do hiking. We love to go biking. We love to go shopping. We love to … There’s so many things, but we have to intentionally say, “These are our hobbies. This is what we’re going to do.” Then that keeps that, for us, our hobbies and activities together.
Then on the side, one thing that’s also really important that I think gets missed is when he’s out doing his thing or if I’m out doing my thing, I want to come home and I want to share that with him. I need him to be present. Just like when he is coming home and he’s doing his after a trip that maybe he’s had, I need to be present. It’s not having any judgment. It’s just, “Hey, share with me what did you do.” It’s really about combining your life with theirs and really trusting and knowing that together you’re also going to have that foundation.
Anush: We could talk about the how-to’s in terms of creating that time and space, but there’s a very important element, which is trust. If you don’t trust the other person and if you want to control the other person, none of these how-to’s are going to work. Trust is such an important piece. If you think about it, when two people get together in the beginning stages of their relationship, it’s exactly what you’re telling to keep moving forward because they have their interests, they have their hobbies and they have found each other attractive for that very reason.
To have what you have in the beginning to what the end or continuation of the relationship is to maintain that person that’s a wholesome person and just make minor adjustments to have that shared place together.
Erica: Yes, 1,000%. You actually bring up something really key. You just said you have the wholeness. I think that’s something really important is that you are two full individuals coming together. You’re not looking to complete each other. You’re not looking to he’s going to complete me. If you look at it that way, well, if you’re never together, that means are you not complete?
Anush: That’s meme that has been there forever, my better half or, you know?
Erica: Tom Cruise, right?
Anush: Right. You complete me.
Erica: You complete me. Exactly.
Anush: It’s in the movie. It’s great. A lot of people, when I talk to them also claimed like, “I cannot find the right man for me.” Find yourself first.
Erica: 1,000%. That’s another key one. When you are in your own authentic self, when you are living in your true passion and your true purpose, even if you don’t know what that is, but you know that you are living your authentic life, that’s when the right person will show up. When you’re not trying to fit in with this person, or that person, or do what mom and dad want you to do, or you’re just doing the traditional roles, that’s when life really shows up for you, and that’s when the right person will show up.
Anush: Also, we all have this great intentions. We can put them out there and we can make them happen. Yet, sometimes things are not working out the way we intended them. It’s so important to really speak out the truth, speak of the truth.
I’m just going to share something very vulnerable for me. Right after when I had the baby, this is a time when you’re super codependent on your husband. You want to please your … It’s that vulnerable time. It is so important even then because your man wants to do what’s best, what he thinks is best for you. It is very important to share your truth and share openly, “This is not working for me.” Instead of just stacking it, and stacking it, and stacking it, and then, boom, you burst out. Then they don’t know. That’s a big, big piece for women. If you love your man and if you love yourself, give yourself the time, and space, and courage to really share your truth.
Erica: Absolutely. You have to do that. As women, you have to do that. Your man also will … For him just to appreciate you and just appreciate … Just listen. That’s where the communication comes in. For you to be able to communicate to your husband and what needs that you have or that are being met, that aren’t being met, it’s going to take him to know this is my time to listen. This is my time to serve, not my time to say or be judgmental. That’s, again, part of the communication.
If you unravel this and go to the very core of it, it comes back to us. It comes back to being able to communicate, being able to trust, being able to be vulnerable, being able to ask for help, being able to say what you need. It comes down to just some really, really true basic core foundational values of ourselves.
Anush: One of the thing that you talked also about in your podcast which was a big one for me was being your own cheerleader and that self-love. A lot of times, your man is so busy taking care of all the other aspects of your life that he may not be able to give you the perfect gift that you want, or the music, or whatever that makes you feel great.
Louise Hay talks about this. Saying I love you to yourself in the mirror every single day. How big of a piece is that? Just complimenting yourself and being your own … Women sometimes think this is selfish. This is so narcissistic. What is going to happen to you when you don’t have that energy to give to yourself, to your husband, to your daughter or baby, the family? Can you just talk more about that?
Erica: That’s so beautiful. I’m so glad you brought that up. Celebration but also self-love. One of the things I say when I share with people or when I’m working with a client is what do you do or what do you say to people who you love? They’re like, “Well, I give them a hug. I tell them I love them.” I’m like, “Why don’t you do that to you?”
It’s sometimes it’s even very, very … It’s hard for them to even think about that because like, oh, my gosh. Celebrating yourself, knowing your own self-worth, this goes back to owning your greatness. This can be sometimes really hard for women. Giving yourself self-love, filling yourself up. That could look like different things for different people. Filling up for me: going hiking, going meditating, taking a nice bath. Right?
Erica: That’s almost like equivalent to eight hours of sleep. It’s different for everybody. Find what works for you, and what fills you up, and make sure that you’re doing it. If you’re not getting any of that, you’re missing just such a key component of passion, of love and of just fulfillment because you have to have that.
Anush: Then you put a lot of expectation from your lover, or husband, or partner because they don’t know what you need to fill in life. It’s really important. If you love your husband or your partner, it’s still important to take care of yourself. Go there fully charged so that you have something to give.
Erica: They feel it. They feel that energy. Steve, my husband, sometimes, “Maybe you should go meditate.” I’m like, “Got it. Got it. Totally got it.” You’re a different person. You go back to your core. You go back to who you are.
Again, like you just mentioned, having expectations. Sometimes when you’re depleted, are you acting the same way that you would when you’re filled up? It’s a completely different person sometimes. It’s huge.
Anush: Also another big piece, and this has been a big for us, in my relationship, because my husband is all about doing things together, and I am a big one of hyper independent woman of 36 plus years of living my life on my own and doing things on my own. In the beginning of that relationship, I wanted to do everything my way. Then if we have time, we share.
Erica: That’s great.
Anush: He wanted to do everything together. Can you please talk more about having individual goals but then also having shared goals?
Erica: That’s a big one. Steve and actually fell victim to that, too. I was exactly the same. I was like, “We have to go to bed at the same time? We have to have dinner at the same … ” I mean, I was clueless. I was really clueless I’m embarrassed to say, but I’m glad I went through that. Now, we’ve worked out the kinks.
Again, it’s keeping your own goals, but it’s also communicating your individual goals to each other so you can say, “Hey, this is how I’m going to be supported. How can I support you?” Then also having goals together. It doesn’t mean … You just maybe have to be flexible in those. In other words, you don’t want to make all your goals without consulting or without talking to your husband, I should say. Work them out to have individual goals.
If you find that you’re not able to be flexible or you’re not able to compromise in how you get there, that might be a little bit of a challenge because it takes … Here’s my goals and how do you feel about them? Are you there to support me? How does it fit to our couple goals? Once you become in a relationship, you’re looking at the whole big picture. Don’t lose sight of them, but you may need to be flexible in the approach. That’s really that key difference is being flexible in the approach.
Anush: Exactly. Anthony Robbins talks about this about having a massive action plan toward an end result. That’s why it’s so important even in a relationship. When you have that thing which is really having that shared vision, it’s so important to create the time and space for that, and then find ways to create the result however it may be. Just like you said, you are a mountain girl. Steve likes to surf. In our case, it’s different.
It’s very important to be very intentional in a relationship because it’s what you make it. Then when life happens and you don’t have that intention, that’s what happens … That’s why relationships go down. At the beginning, you have this, boom, passions [za za zu 00:17:30] and all these things going on.
Erica: What’s the only thing that shifts? What’s the main thing that shifts?
Erica: Yeah, absolutely. 1,000%. Focus, and intention, and purpose. In the beginning, you’re putting full focus on the other person or on the relationship. Usually, it’s the relationship. “I want this relationship to be amazing,” usually from a woman. Then the man is, “This woman is amazing.” It’s sometimes a little different but you’re putting focus on it.
What happens when life happens is you then go into reaction. Career takes over. Kids take over. There’s different things that happen. Then you’re going through the motions. You have to stop, both of you, and say, “Stop, this is enough. It’s now time to get purposeful. It’s now time to get playful. It’s now time to get back to what we committed to.” It takes intention in order to do that. You have to go in and re-look at what are we now going to focus on? Are you focusing on what’s not working? Are you going to focus on what can be great?
Anush: What can be great. Actually that’s such a major piece. Having the time and space for that. Getting out sometimes of the house and just doing it there, so that you could actually be physically able to listen to each other.
Erica: 1,000%. Giving yourself permission. I give you permission to be honest. You have to really put it out there. If people sometimes say it’s a little mechanical, but I think you have to have those mechanics and the strategy in order for the psychology that you lay, in order for that foundation to be able to come out, otherwise it’s Band-Aids.
Anush: You said something before the interview started. You said, “Asking for feedback and also not being upset when you get that feedback.”
Erica: Be ready to receive. Be ready to receive.
Anush: Awesome. Well, wrapping it up. Kind of just sum up all of the five tips that we have come up with that every woman and man can take and make their relationship even better.
Erica: Yeah. Having your own independent goals, having your couple goals. Making sure that you both are looking at them and you’re getting support that you need. That you find your own time and space and that you stay true to that. It’s really an identity. Do you know who you are before you go in? Are you able to hold that in the relationship? If not, talk with your spouse. Talk with your significant other and create those fun passionate … Have fun date nights and also create a hobby together so it’s not just date night but it’s, hey, this is something that we also do together.
Erica: Activity, yeah.
Anush: Activities because every time you meet your beautiful, better other person, I don’t want to say hot, then in your mind there’s that stimulation. You associated all of these pleasurable activities that are connected to your husband, or wife, or partner.
My final question is you’ve been in life coaching industry for years now.
Anush: What has been your path, really quickly, and why do you love it so much?
Erica: Gosh. Loaded question. Great question. No, it’s a great question. Yes, I like to tell people I was born into this world. My father is a coach. He’s been a major influence and that was way before I was even born. I feel this has just been my path and my purpose.
What I love about it is, I know it sounds so cliché, when your clients light up. I really feel from a young age that I was shown my purpose and that was to be a light for others, to shine my light so everything that I’ve experienced … There’s nothing that I would ever coach or consult if I either have not felt it or really can dig in, not from a judgmental place, but see in you your potential. That is my mission to shine my light as I can for anyone that’s in front of me, anybody that I get to work with. It’s definitely been my mission.
Anush: The biggest thing about coaching is as we work with our client is seeing that shift of what they thought was possible for them. Then you have this coaching session and they’re like, “Wow, this is a possibility for me.” That’s that light. When they see that possibility, they feel they have the ability to move forward. Also, reminding them of their strengths. Then instead of focusing on the problems, focusing on the progress, week to week, month to month, then pretty soon they’re living a better life than if they didn’t do that.
Thank you so much, Erica. I’m looking forward to more podcast on the Real Raw Truths. Awesome, awesome conversation. I’m looking forward to more.
Erica: Thank you so much for having me, Anush. Thank you.
Anush: That’s all for today. Thank you so much for watching. You heard amazing tips and strategies to make your relationship loving, strong and passionate but, at the same time, to stay true to yourself, to your authentic self. Stay tuned for more on Anush TV and start making healthy little tweaks in your life to go from where you are to where you want to be. Remember, life is what make it so make your life outstanding.